Man Exam

My doctor tells me that is it is time for my Prostate Exam or “Man Exam” when I make an appointment for my annual flu shot.  I am going to be stuck two times, ouch. There are two events most men can do without and those are Prostate exams and IRS audits.

 I have shared that I am a bit of a germ fanatic so going to the doctor is usually kind of traumatizing anyway.  I love my doctor he is gay and has all of these fierce black Divas that work the reception area giving people the “goose lips” until they get off their cell phones.   I do the paperwork and wait for my name to be called.

The nurse calls my name and greets me with a mask on.  This is not a good sign.  She says she has a slight cold and does not want to cough on anyone, I think that would be easier if you were at home and not working around sick people!

I come from a history of men with prostate problems not to mention this is a common condition among African-American men, so I know this exam is needed but not desired.  Sort of like a root canal, just the opposite end. I support Tom Joyner's take a love one to the doctor day.   My vitals are taken and I am given a hospital gown for easier access I guess.

Sidebar, a friend asked me were gay men as nervous about the “Man Exam” as straight men.  The implication is that since we might be more familiar with certain nether regions it is less stressful….Wrong!  This is not a date after a night of dancing to club music and vodka red bulls.  No one wants  uninvited visitors to their naughty bits. 

Back to the story, I bounce and pace liked a caged cat knowing I have very little time before the “Man Exam” will begin.  The doctor comes in we chit chat and the ritual begins.  He says he wants to check the front first, did I mention my doctor was gay.  I tell him OK but its cold in here and I my nerves are shot so I am not in show condition (shrinkage).   The usual poking and coughing commence. 

He asked me to turn around,   bend over and plant the heels of my feet firmly on the ground.  Hey that is usually my line. Did I also mention that although my doctor is cool and gay he is also big blond Nordic man with huge hands?  I begin to break out in a sweat.   I ask him does he have any cute, tiny Asian interns with small petite features working today?

He tells me I am going to feel some pressure.  Pressure my ass, literally, my nether regions are on fire.  Man do you have any poppers, a shot of whiskey,  at least put some Anita Baker on the speaker system. My dog  had a similar exam and they at least gave him a stick to bite on.   

Now I do not know what the new Health Care plan involves but if I have to go through anything like this again I expect something in that plan like some local anesthesia , hell knock me out,  molest me and post it on You Tube, I just don’t want to feel anything.  For all the women out there that say men are wimps when it comes to pain, I say Ouch.  If there are guys that have had similar experiences please comment and post.  I am starting a support group called “You Hurt My Boom Boom”.